what is mother wound and how to find healing?
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The mother wound, it’s a heavy word, isn’t it?
This topic is not only socially unfamiliar but for me personally, is a painful subject to talk about. And that’s because I’m no exception to any other women. All of us experience mother wound on one or many levels. As the name suggests it is a wound that is sourced from our mothers.
Motherhood, or parenthood in general, is not as simple as society makes it look. It’s a decision that needs to be made consciously and willingly. Once, we decide to become a parent then it’s a lifelong practice of self-reflection and presence. It’s not just another step of the ladder or another expectation to meet. Society deems us to move through life with presuppositions that it dictates on each of us. Get an education, have stable income, get yourself a home and a car, find “the one”, get married, have children, repeat. Most of us live on auto-pilot and follow this tread habitually and without any self-awareness.
Life starts with a Mother.
Mother is where life is sourced. There is always a mother before there is a birth. Motherhood comes with a lot of demands. A” good enough mother” does not only give birth to her children but also nurture them through her presence, attunment, mentoring and support. But does every woman that becomes a mother is ready and resourced to give all that to her children? Has she received those from her own mother figure?
Most likely not. Therefore, the possibility of overwhelm, confusion and absence are not impossible.
Mother wound can happen to any child regardless of gender. The manifestation of mother wound effects the feminine energy in humans. In the bodies with dominant feminine energy the manifestations are more apparent.
In Those with masculine dominant energy it will show up as suppression of feminine, both within and outside themselves.
There has been both generational and historical suppuration of feminine by the patriarchy. Females were not allowed to feel angry they were always expected to give and not allowed to receive. To give birth to give nurturing, to give support and to be available to their families.
The female body has undergone, rape, pain of childbirth, neglect and abuse.
It’s apparent, that without appropriate support and acknowledgement, they left burdened with a lot of pain.
The stagnated suffering gets stored in women’s body and if it’s not processed it will be passed to her children.
Regardless of gender some manifestations of mother wound are:
Neglecting one’s needs
People pleasing
Inability to say no
Inability to hold a healthy relationship
Lack of self-regulation skills
When we talk about mother wound, it’s not to blame the mothers. It’s to heal the unprocessed pain, and gain awareness. Healing mother wound is always about the daughters. Because not every woman is a mother but we are all daughters.
Three main indications that you probably have experienced mother wound:
1- You were your mom’s best friend
2- You were responsible to protect your mom at all costs.
3- You were the “Good Girl”
Healing the mother wound:
Healing the mother wound can be complex, since it’s probably effecting your current life experience as much as it did when you were a child. Also, you need to break taboos, cultural beliefs and social “norms”. This healing journey can go two ways, you either get closer to your mom and you establish a healthy relationship, or you create more space. This is a difficult truth, when your relationship with your mom continues to hurt you might have to create more space to protect your safety.
Healing the mother wound starts by questioning and examining your relationship with your mother. And you have all the rights to do that.
The transform the limiting beliefs that you inherited, and replace them with new one.
For example, a limiting belief can be, “Your mom gave you birth you owe her, so you should never say no to her.” This can be replaced by, “I came to this planet through my mom/parents, I respect them, and I am allowed to have different opinions from them.”
Most important step in healing this wound is to take responsibility. You need to acknowledge the pain you and your body have endured and take responsibility of healing it.
The ultimate result is that you will have compassion for yourself, and your mom. You will accept her for who she is, and you let go of the hope that she “has to” be any different than who she is.
This entire process is very painful; therefore, one critical step is that you grieve you mourn the pain and things that you “would have had” if your life was different.
LET’S PRACTICE:
Ask yourself these questions:
What did I need from my own mother that I didn’t receive?
(If you are a mother, ask, in what ways am I projecting this onto my own children)
In what ways am I still neglecting and ignoring those needs in my current life right now?
In what ways am I asking others to mother me?