what is mother wound and how to find healing?
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( 20 Minute Read)
The mother wound—it’s a heavy phrase, isn’t it?
This topic is not only socially unfamiliar but also, for me personally, a painful subject to talk about. And that’s because I’m no exception to any other woman. All of us experience the mother wound on one or multiple levels. As the name suggests, it is a wound that originates from our mothers.
Motherhood—or parenthood in general—is not as simple as society makes it seem. It’s a decision that must be made consciously and willingly. Once we decide to become parents, it becomes a lifelong practice of self-reflection and presence. It’s not just another step on the ladder or another expectation to fulfill.
Society conditions us to move through life according to its prescribed expectations: get an education, secure a stable income, buy a home and a car, find “the one,” get married, have children—repeat. Most of us live on autopilot, following this path habitually and without self-awareness.
Life starts with a Mother.
The mother is where life is sourced. There is always a mother before there is a birth. Motherhood comes with many demands. A “good enough mother” does not only give birth to her children but also nurtures them through her presence, attunement, mentoring, and support. But is every woman who becomes a mother ready and resourced to provide all of that for her children? Has she received those things from her own mother figure?
Most likely not. Therefore, the possibility of overwhelm, confusion, and absence is very real.
The mother wound can affect any child, regardless of gender. Its manifestation impacts the feminine energy within humans. In bodies with dominant feminine energy, these manifestations are more apparent.
In those with dominant masculine energy, it often appears as the suppression of the feminine—both within themselves and in the world around them.
There has been both generational and historical suppression of the feminine by the patriarchy. Women were not allowed to express anger, were always expected to give, and were rarely permitted to receive. They were expected to give birth, to nurture, to offer support, and to be constantly available to their families.
The female body has endured rape, the pain of childbirth, neglect, and abuse.
Without appropriate support and acknowledgment, women are left burdened with immense pain.
This unprocessed suffering becomes stored in a woman’s body, and if not addressed, it is passed down to her children.
Regardless of gender some manifestations of mother wound are:
Neglecting one’s needs
People pleasing
Inability to say no
Inability to hold a healthy relationship
Lack of self-regulation skills
When we talk about mother wound, it’s not to blame the mothers. It’s to heal the unprocessed pain, and gain awareness. Healing mother wound is always about the daughters. Because not every woman is a mother but we are all daughters.
Three main indications that you probably have experienced mother wound:
1- You were your mom’s best friend
2- You were responsible to protect your mom at all costs.
3- You were the “Good Girl”
Healing the mother wound:
Healing the mother wound can be complex since it’s likely affecting your current life experience just as much as it did when you were a child. It also requires breaking taboos, cultural beliefs, and social “norms.” This healing journey can go one of two ways: you either grow closer to your mother and establish a healthier relationship, or you create more space. This is a difficult truth—when your relationship with your mother continues to cause harm, you may need to create distance to protect your well-being.
Healing the mother wound begins by questioning and examining your relationship with your mother. And you have every right to do that.
Transform the limiting beliefs you inherited and replace them with new ones.
For example, a limiting belief might be: “Your mother gave you life, so you owe her and should never say no to her.” This can be replaced with: “I came into this world through my mother/parents, I respect them, and I am allowed to have my own boundaries and opinions.”
The most important step in healing this wound is taking responsibility. You need to acknowledge the pain you and your body have endured and take ownership of your healing.
The ultimate result is developing compassion for both yourself and your mother. You will accept her for who she is and let go of the expectation that she has to be different.
This entire process is deeply painful. That’s why a critical step is allowing yourself to grieve—to mourn the pain and the things you should have had if your life had been different.
LET’S PRACTICE:
Ask yourself these questions:
What did I need from my own mother that I didn’t receive?
(If you are a mother, ask, in what ways am I projecting this onto my own children)
In what ways am I still neglecting and ignoring those needs in my current life right now?
In what ways am I asking others to mother me?